As a military spouse, I get thanked a lot for my service. I don’t serve my country. Never has my life been in danger while I selflessly do my job for my country. None of my rights have ever been questioned or silence because of my job, and never have I said an oath promising life and limb to my country. I do appreciate the thanks, but I have not served. I don’t deserve it.
I do sacrifice a lot, though. After nearly 4 years overseas away from the comforts of home, the sacrifices are too much and I am near my breaking point.
My grandmother is of the generation that suffers in silence. We were raised up to always put on a smiling face, despite what’s really going on. I’ve successfully done that as I’ve followed my husband’s military career, but this weekend, my smile faded and I finally have had enough. Sure, I might just be homesick and that amplifies my feelings, but quite frankly, I think it’s a lot to ask of me, and I am doing some much needed complaining.
I have had enough of not being able to find everyday necessities from socks to dairy products. I have had enough of searching for said products at astronomical prices or in a language I can’t decipher. I have had enough of these products being sold to me spoiled and past expiration. I have had enough that when my microwave breaks down, I’m SOL because the culture I’m submerged in doesn’t cook with one and one is not readily available for me. I have had enough of the necessity of my traveling husband to go to other countries for everyday items I can’t get. I have had enough of the need to order everything online then wait weeks for its arrival.
I have had enough of watching life pass by through my computer screen. I have had enough of being too far for momentous occasions of countless weddings, graduations and births. I have had enough of the space between me and meeting my sweet little niece and nephew that kills me that there are family members I do not know. I have had enough of changing my career path several times because I can’t travel with it, or I don’t “rate” a career. (This is only half a complaint since it worked in my favor). I have had enough of the heart breaking stories of friends who are highly educated and qualified who struggle to be gainfully employed with crap jobs because of their constant moving with the military. I have had enough of being silenced or chastised for speaking up because of rank. I have had enough of being looked down upon by preconceived judgements, again, based on rank.
As I’ve followed my husband faithfully to each duty station with a smile on my face and my heart full of optimism, I am just down trodden as the sacrifice weighs heavy on me. It’s been 4 long years since I’ve seen any family. This is especially difficult to bear as I’ve missed births, they’ve missed mine, I’ve missed those wonderful events, and I’ve been gone for the heartaches.
I am a strong and independent woman. I have no qualms about doing it all alone, but I have to admit there is a twinge of jealousy and despair when I see grandparents actively in their grandchildren’s lives. It’s hard to not want for family to be around to visit and help when I’m in need. Yes, there are times when I, as a grown woman, want my mom! Those times are stronger when the flu hits our household and there is a new baby, my husband is gone due to his service and I’m yielding phone calls and messages taking care of all of my volunteer duties.
The women I have met in our 10 years of “service” together have been incredible. I can guarantee that no other group of women will you meet than the military spouse that is more fascinating, intelligent, resourceful, independent, loving, caring and loyal. They are the reason why this low moment of being done with it all hasn’t hit me until 4 years later. They are my family away from family and I can call on them for anything. They will read this blog, understand my frustration and have a complaint with me, then turn around and be strong for their children as their children resiliently get over missing family as well.
While I have a lot to be thankful for this unique lifestyle that isn’t for the weary, it’s hard and it makes me angry sometimes. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship. I may have had a rough weekend. I may have thrown my hands in the air and said “I’m done,” and I may have let things get to me and shed some tears, but I will still put that smile on my face tomorrow and embrace what this life has in store for me. Everyday I get through this is another day that I’m stronger.
My life in letters 