My Greatest Obstacle

In the endless process of filling out scholarship applications (which has been fruitless), I came across a thought provoking question, that I’m proud of the answer I had in return.

I’ve thought of my life as a pretty easy one, but the more I thought over this, the current life I lead is a pretty rough one. It’s one that’s created more tears and heartache, but has given me more laughs and friendships because of it. Because I’ve rolled with the punches, I never saw it as a hard life, and I just continued on.

Here is the response I gave the scholarship committee.

              My biggest blessings have been my biggest obstacle for my goals, but in taking care of them, I have taken that obstacle and turned it around to achieve far more than I ever could have dreamed. These obstacles have shaped me into who I am today, and have molded a far better dreamer and achiever then before they were introduced.

            Getting an early start on my life, brought marriage at a young age as well as children. Marrying into the military brought its own set of challenges as well. Being a young mom with ambition made it difficult to finish school. The military made our family nomads with our packing up and moving every three years. This brought on a sense of never being settled, and a constant change. While change is a good thing, it’s difficult to achieve much in such a short amount of time.

            Being in a constant state of change brings several challenges. There’s the challenge of starting over every 3 years. With this fresh start, there’s no support system. This has given me the ability to make friends instantly. It’s also made me be a great friend. It’s given me a greater sense of empathy. With my instantaneous way of making friends, I’m able to establish a support system, but also be that support system to those who are in similar situations.

            With our movements every 3 years, to locations not always known, wanted or beneficial, the thought of a career has always been a stressor. It is nearly impossible to plan for a fluid career that can go wherever you go whenever you need to. Almost as often as our address would change, my mind would change about which path I thought would be the best for my family. This gave me a stronger sense of reason, but with life happening and nothing staying constant, it also gave me a fluidity to my personality that allows me to roll with the punches. With this, I am good with pressure when new things are introduced. It’s human nature to go against change, but if change is your constant, it doesn’t blindside you.

            To throw in more chaos to these obstacles, the military takes away my husband frequently. In each new station, this takes away my whole support system, until I can build another one. This gave me a stronger sense of independence and improvisation and ingenuity to solve tasks on my own.

            For nearly a decade, I have been trying to achieve an undergraduate degree. The military lifestyle has made it difficult, and at times, impossible to achieve. Now, I am one year away from this goal. After years of debating, trying to keep up with the moves and determine the best path, I’ve realized that my dream is the best path, and no matter where I may be, I have the tools to make my dream happen. In Summer of 2013, I enrolled with Grand Canyon University to pursue my Film Degree. Another overseas move has happened as well as a new baby to our family since that time. The traits I’ve learned from the obstacles the military has thrown to me has let me achieve more in the past two years than ever. By starting over so many times, I’ve learned to just make things happen at all costs. I’ve learned to create my opportunities.

            The past ten years have been frustrating and have made me feel like I may not ever achieve my goals, but I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world. The obstacles the military has given me has given me character, ingenuity, independence, and a hard work ethic. These unique experiences gives me a unique take onto my scholastic and career future. I’ve overcome these obstacles by not being stuck with any one particular plan for my life and just rolling with the punches. By being flexible with what life gives you, better opportunities than what you’ve planned for yourself come to your door.

Thank you for your service–I have had enough

As a military spouse, I get thanked a lot for my service. I don’t serve  my country. Never has my life been in danger while I selflessly do my job for my country. None of my rights have ever been questioned or silence because of my job, and never have I said an oath promising life and limb to my country. I do appreciate the thanks, but I have not served. I don’t deserve it.

I do sacrifice a lot, though. After nearly 4 years overseas away from the comforts of home, the sacrifices are too much and I am near my breaking point.

My grandmother is of the generation that suffers in silence. We were raised up to always put on a smiling face, despite what’s really going on. I’ve successfully done that as I’ve followed my husband’s military career, but this weekend, my smile faded and I finally have had enough. Sure, I might just be homesick and that amplifies my feelings, but quite frankly, I think it’s a lot to ask of me, and I am doing some much needed complaining.

I have had enough of not being able to find everyday necessities from socks to dairy products. I have had enough of searching for said products at astronomical prices or in a language I can’t decipher. I have had enough of these products being sold to me spoiled and past expiration. I have had enough that when my microwave breaks down, I’m SOL because the culture I’m submerged in doesn’t cook with one and one is not readily available for me. I have had enough of the necessity of my traveling husband to go to other countries for everyday items I can’t get. I have had enough of the need to order everything online then wait weeks for its arrival.

I have had enough of watching life pass by through my computer screen. I have had enough of being too far for momentous occasions of countless weddings, graduations and births. I have had enough of the space between me and meeting my sweet little niece and nephew that kills me that there are family members I do not know. I have had enough of changing my career path several times because I can’t travel with it, or I don’t “rate” a career. (This is only half a complaint since it worked in my favor). I have had enough of the heart breaking stories of friends who are highly educated and qualified who struggle to be gainfully employed with crap jobs because of their constant moving with the military. I have had enough of being silenced or chastised for speaking up because of rank. I have had enough of being looked down upon by preconceived judgements, again, based on rank.

As I’ve followed my husband faithfully to each duty station with a smile on my face and my heart full of optimism, I am just down trodden as the sacrifice weighs heavy on me. It’s been 4 long years since I’ve seen any family. This is especially difficult to bear as I’ve missed births, they’ve missed mine, I’ve missed those wonderful events, and I’ve been gone for the heartaches.

I am a strong and independent woman. I have no qualms about doing it all alone, but I have to admit there is a twinge of jealousy and despair when I see grandparents actively in their grandchildren’s lives. It’s hard to not want for family to be around to visit and help when I’m in need. Yes, there are times when I, as a grown woman, want my mom! Those times are stronger when the flu hits our household and there is a new baby, my husband is gone due to his service and I’m yielding phone calls and messages taking care of all of my volunteer duties.

The women I have met in our 10 years of “service” together have been incredible. I can guarantee that no other group of women will you meet than the military spouse that is more fascinating, intelligent, resourceful, independent, loving, caring and loyal. They are the reason why this low moment of being done with it all hasn’t hit me until 4 years later. They are my family away from family and I can call on them for anything. They will read this blog, understand my frustration and have a complaint with me, then turn around and be strong for their children as their children resiliently get over missing family as well.

While I have a lot to be thankful for this unique lifestyle that isn’t for the weary, it’s hard and it makes me angry sometimes. It’s definitely a love/hate relationship. I may have had a rough weekend. I may have thrown my hands in the air and said “I’m done,” and I may have let things get to me and shed some tears, but I will still put that smile on my face tomorrow and embrace what this life has in store for me. Everyday I get through this is another day that I’m stronger.

New Year’s Resolutions

Happy New Year!

I rang in the new year with my family at our close friend’s house partying it up. I spent most of the night behind the viewfinder of my camera documenting the night. The next day was spent in bed–no, I was not hungover, just unreasonably tired, but I was continuing a yearly tradition of sleeping New Year’s Day away. I usually take the week of New Year to reflect, so even though I missed “New Year,” I’ve given it full thought and reflection.

My newsfeed on my social media sites are flooded with people talking about how New Year’s Resolutions are BS and cliched. I don’t care. I do like taking this time to celebrate a new year, and setting goals for myself. I do, however, like to stay away from cliched resolutions…and the gym. After reading many books and articles on goal setting and success, I’ve mastered the art of goal setting. Like they all tell you, set specific, reasonable and measurable goals. After they’re set, take a look back on those goals frequently to measure your success.

Last year, I set a few reachable goals. I created a reading lit I wanted to accomplish. I got some of the bigger books out of the list read, but once I started school over the summer, my reading list fell off and I didn’t accomplish it. I am OK with that, though. I saw the bigger picture, and being in school is much more important than finishing my list. It’s an investment that will leave me more time in the future for my beloved books.

Another 2013 goal was to run another 5k. I ended up running several throughout the year, a lot were with my then 6 year old daughter, and I also introduced a few friends to my love of running.

This year I am focusing more on my writing. I have 2 screenplay ideas, and I will get them written this year! Starting is the hardest step, so I have my goals for each step. I recently read an article by Scott Meyers, he gave a formula to hone the craft of screenwriting: Read 1 screenplay a week.
Watch 2 movies a week.
Write 7 pages a week.
Spend 14 hours a week in story preparation.

I’ll admit, those bottom two numbers are intimidating, but if I want to be successful with my writing, hardwork is necessary.

Here’s a toast to 2014! Last year was big for me, and I know this year will be even bigger!

Vulnerability

I hate putting myself out there in that raw, open “Here I am” way. I absolutely hate the auditioning process. I work myself up over it, make myself sick about it, pore over my performance afterwards and tell myself everything I did wrong and try to speculate how it was taken.

I don’t mind being on stage, however, I recently performed in a concert singing. Even though I was part of a chorus and had the others backing me, I couldn’t wait to get off stage. I wasn’t accepted well that night.

I always tell myself “never again!” I hate that feeling of vulnerability. However, even with writing there’s still that vulnerability. Here you are, creating something on paper, and you hand off that creation for someone o read your words. It’s a little harder when you’re a  part of a writing group where they critique your work. I belong to an amazing one, and I never feel like I’m being judged or my writing being bashed, but it’s difficult having my work being read and being told what I did wrong, so to speak. My peers are gentle and encouraging. As difficult as it is, we have a rule “No apologizing.” It’s so easy to apologize for your writing, especially when you and your work are being cut open and examined and there are things you can improve on.

After one big audition recently, I told myself I was never putting myself in that position again. It wreaks havoc on my nerves and the pay out wasn’t worth it to me. I did realize I was only switching vulnerabilities when I was focusing on my writing. With my auditions and my writing critiques I’ve received some wonderful encouragement as well as comments about what I was doing right. That was an immense building block for me. After I went through the stresses of putting myself out there and being wholly accepted, the effort was completely worth it and I saw that agonizing process as being just a hazard of the trade. My second concert performance, the audience was so responsive and encouraging, it made the performance so much more worth it, and I quickly put away those thoughts of “I’m never doing this again.”

Being on stage, it’s easy to hide behind the character, but when I’m putting myself out there for the world to see and pick apart, it’s rough, but it’s almost cathartic as I go through the stages of being broken, then rising out of that with confidence and acceptance like a phoenix out of the ashes. Going in, I hate it, but coming out of it, I accept it as a necessity.

Apprenticeships

Last summer I read Rue McClanahan’s autobiography My First Five Husbands, and I was simply blown away at what life was like back then for actors. Yes, I understand there are still poor actors today, but I had never heard of such a hard worker! To me, she didn’t get her due credit until she was on Maude, and even then she wasn’t stable if they didn’t renew her contract. She worked herself into the ground, all while supporting a family, pursuing her dream and staying fit.

I read another celebrity autobiography belonging to Dick Van Dyke. He didn’t get his break until his late thirties! He was supporting his family on so little money, it amazed me they were able to survive! And he never lost faith, he kept pushing on! Once he got his break, he was so humble and thankful for it and continued that good work ethic even to present day (and he’s well into his 80’s).

These two stories have helped keep me humble. In today’s society of instant gratification and entitlement, it’s easy to lose sight of things and forget about the effort needed to achieve things. (Hmm, if only I had the dream of a perfect house, my efforts would be spent there!)

In one of the many screenwriting podcasts I listen to, the speaker was talking about apprenticing to the top. He gave plenty of examples of how to be a great [insert profession] you need to spend years working from the bottom up. In screenwriting (or any profession in the film industry) your best bet is to start from the bottom up. Become someone’s lowly assistant, make an impression and you’ll reap the benefits. So much notice is given to the naturally talented athletes who were “handed” their awesome job. What most people don’t realize is that their careers usually started when they were kids–going to ball practice, games, conditioning, college etc.

I’m at a point in my life where I feel I should be doing bigger and better things. Unfortunately, since I’ve just now started actively pursuing my writing dream, I’m afraid I’m at ground zero. It’s encouraging to hear these accounts of hard work and eventually getting your break. It really helps me stay on task and continue on the daily grind, knowing that my hard work is not wasted. I think I’ve finally found my bliss. I’m reaching for a career where I don’t care about the money, I just want to do it. I think that is the first step to achieving one’s bliss. Finding something that you love so much that it’s worth all sacrifice–that’s what the speaker was talking about.

To achieve my bliss I am willingly going to put my blood sweat and tears into this (I’m assuming that phrase applies to writers in the form of lots of papercuts) and all my efforts. I still have days (today even) where I get discouraged with my dead end, menial, “still making minimum wage at 25 years old” job, but I hear about all the success stories and how hard those people have worked and I quit my whining and count my blessings that I even have a job and a family who take care and support me. (Look up Nick Swardson’s story and how he lived in his car while pursuing comedy).

So here’s to the journey ahead! I’ll remember to enjoy the scenery, because the journey is sometimes better than the destination!

Starting a New Beginning

Last night I made the definitive decision that I really need my own personal blog. I have a professional one, updated sporadically for my writer’s association I began this year, but I really need to write daily to strengthen my writing muscle. I can’t write towards my books or scripts daily if I’m still in the research phases, so how do I continually exercise that? By daily writing personal thoughts and stories.

I made this decision last night, which I know this time around will stick. It’s one for those things where I couldn’t wait to get off work to get to my keyboard! My fingers and mind are constantly itching to write, but I have to do the preparation first, so now I have the medium to write, but it doesn’t have to be specifically towards my current projects. I went to bed happy with this decision, then woke up hearing the news that Syd Field has died, so this first blog post is dedicated to him.

Syd Field was a cornerstone in the film industry, specifically screen writing. Any TV or film writer will say that he was their role model.

It was very poetic that I happened to be reading one of his books this week when I learned the news. I’ve read his most popular book Screenplay when I was working on my first screenplay (which is awful, not a testament to his genius). He really helped shape me into the writer I want to become.

A little bit about me…
I’ve spent the better part of 10 years trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. The problem was that I already was grown up with a husband and child, and was nowhere near a career, nor deciding on one for that matter. I knew I had to do something creative, and I wanted to focus on writing, but I couldn’t quite figure out what career would be gratifying to me. I would leave teaching English as my backup–something that I’m very passionate about, but it’s not my dream to be a teacher. I have always loved writing, ever since I could hold a pencil. I used to keep a journal, and by 6th grade I was writing FanFic for my favorite boyband. My grades all the way until college were a testament that writing was just about all I could do. I couldn’t ever figure out how I could make writing a career. I didn’t think I could cut it as a journalist, or that I had any good ideas to be the next J. K. Rowling. Earlier this year, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I could combine my love of film and writing and pursue the career of a screenwriter.

A good friend of mine recently got his script picked up and it was then being produced (Check out “A Mile in His Soul”) and he pointed me in the direction of Syd Field to begin. From the start, I had so many questions, it was a bit overwhelming. I decided to keep those questions and finish the book–a little bit about me, any question or idea I have has to be answered IMMEDIATELY. Chapter by chapter my questions were fewer and fewer. Through his words on paper, Syd Field was my guide through the process of my first script. He made the task less daunting and set me up with good habits to be successful.

Though his influence on me was for a short season, he has influenced thousands, if not millions. His life work will literally live on forever in the hearts and pages of the many writers who look up to him.

Mr. Field, you have changed my life by giving me a clear path to achieve my dream. Your work has changed the industry and the world. You leave behind a footprint that cannot be filled by anyone else’s shoes but your own. Thank you for your words, your teachings and your life’s work.

Fade Out.